I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
