It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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