I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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