I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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