all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
