never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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