Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
