I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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