Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
