Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
