I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
