I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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