I cannot find my penis.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
