I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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