I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
