I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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