I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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