my shit smells like andre
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
