I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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