it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
