i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
