Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
