this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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