this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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