Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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