Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
