Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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