I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
