by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
