Pregnant stripper...not hot.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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