he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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