I'm so fucking centered right now
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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