I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
