I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
