I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
