when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
