Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
