your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
