The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
