she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
