sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
