I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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