pop tarts are not kleenex
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
