Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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