My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
