Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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