I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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