So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
