i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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