god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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